Five on Friday

To the woman at the express checkout with fifty-two items

1. I have no problem with you using the 10 items or less lane when you have fifty-two items. Honest, I don't. But when the four people behind you who have abided by the 10 item or less rule have graciously allowed you to get away with having fifty-two items, please don't argue with the cashier for ten minutes over an expired coupon for twenty cents off your cereal.

2. I have a toddler, so I understand that they have minds of their own and sometimes will just behave badly. But please please PLEASE do not allow your toddler grab the candybar that my daughter has painstakingly spent twenty minutes picking out from her hand, bite her hand when she tries to get it back, then go running down the aisle screaming at the top of his lungs.

3. If your child does do this, please don't look at me with a little smile that says "kids will be kids". Unless your purpose is to seriously piss me off.

4. Also, please don't comment that "someone needs a nap" when my daughter is sobbing uncontrollably on my shoulder after your son bit her and ran off with her candybar.

5. For the love of God, make sure you have enough money to cover your bill. Dumping out the entire contents of your purse and rummaging through them to find the eighty-two cents that you still owe the cashier will just make the already irate customers behind you vow to create voodoo dolls of you and stick needles in them once they finally get through this hellish line!!!!